biggest question mark.

talking about God,

does He exist?

my faith has been constant,

that He in fact does.

but what do i really know?

but when one has done all,

that's viewed to be reflective.

conveying of His image,

the closest and best we could.

to live by His ways.

that we know of.

of course nobody is perfect,

like He is.

neither am i by far,

again what if one's best,

will never be good enough?

or rather,

when one try so very hard.

it will just never be enough.

while in irony some others who never tried,

get their ways after simply a prayer?

does that even making any sense?

is it not enough,

having cultivated and maintained a closeness?

will it never be enough and ever challenged for more,

just because one tries hard.

and have kept the love and faith?

that those who just did not care,

gets the credits and appreciation,

quite literally the first minute they paid attention?

typical statement then this leads to,

well life is not fair.

then added to what's been said around,

that life is not supposed to be easy.

does it mean that life's supposed to be ever tricky,

and full of questions and uncertainties?

not even saying it's hard.

i am all aware there are more unfortunates.

at least then,

i have said my thanks for all the blessings.

because that's what i chose to say to Him,

rather than beg for absolutely anything.

we aren't supposed to.

after all we're supposed to deserve the best?

that's the biggest question mark.

simply not me.

in a pleasant reminder of,
how i was the world to him.
anything he would do,
to get even a slight moment with me.
all enduring all patient.

our little drives,
in search of a secluded place.
where no one would know us,
there and then we revealed it all.
everything we felt at the time.

pure lust.

i damned myself,
for a feeling that did not grow.
lust and lust only,
love never came.
which i apologized for all i could.

if it was ever enough.

a perfect little joint,
tranquil and nicely lit.
he ran his fingers through my hair,
to the back of my neck.
i knew i shouldn't allow more.

knowing the feelings i wasn't quite getting.

it started as a game,
but in the end it wasn't a fair play.
incredible he was very,
i retracted and disqualified myself,
for a feeling that wasn't coming.

for he deserved better.

here i am years later,
in a pleasant memory of how it was.
grateful for what he has,
the one he found after us.
it was never going to be me.

simply not me.

my one.

it was a wet first rains in april,

between broadway and spring.

as the lights switched,

the crowd gets going in a massive rush.

just the typical morning hustle to the yellow line.

as i paved my way within the crowd,

i knew i sensed something.

or rather saw someone familiar,

as if from my past life.

only from the corner of my eye to know.

it was him.

him who once left me,

him who once neglected me cold,

him who once declared loved me,

but apparently not enough.

him who once broke my heart.

the sight of him,

left me in angst.

not quite sure why anymore,

or whatever feeling was provoked.

i should be feeling fine.

more than just fine.

yes we had the close intimates,

yes we had the sexy encounters,

yes we had the lingering kisses,

yes we had the internal jokes,

yes we had the own language only we understood.

however so,

i did moved on.

despising myself turning needy and insecure,

so i fixed and built a greater me.

with the loveliest man who adores me.

and i love him with all my heart.

as my silent phone flickered with his name written across the screen,

i found myself feeling even more anxious.

perhaps he did saw me too,

tempted to hear his sexy voice telling me how he has been,

and to ask to see me again.

by default i knew i shouldn't.

as the day approaches night,

after all the random surprising not-so-nice flashbacks,

i took the same opposite train and walked the same street home,

as i turned the key and open the door to our apartment.

he greeted lovingly as always "welcome home sweetie, i missed ya!".

then and there i knew,

whatever it was before,

it no longer ever mattered even for a second.

only a meaningless uninteresting incident,

as i rest and surrendered all of me in his arms.

"this is us,

our simple yet rich little world,

just yours and mine.

hopefully for the rest of life.

the one who will always be there."

my one whom i want to always come home to.

ps: for those who's about to ask me what happened - the incident here is purely fiction, made it up!