i need to.

sometimes,

like a huge wave we never saw coming,

we find ourselves,

just completely broken.

absolutely into pieces.

for some more delicate ones,

the world feels over.

i try not to be that weak,

though completely kissing the ground.

i try to be strong for me.

each day waking up,

and forcing to sleep yearning.

it's like each day when there's new joy,

really feels only half good.

they don't even matter anymore.

i miss everything we do,

the places we go,

conversations we had.

the way you look at me,

you being you.

i'm not lost,

just less clarity without you.

and for my case,

that's bad enough.

i need to stop missing you.

like the string quartet,

complex yet beautiful.

that will be the start and an end,

to our story,

that's forever stuck in the middle.

no turning back,

no going forward.

soulmates.

it is like the clouds,

we float around,

minding nobody’s business.

then unintentionally within a time,

open up and pour.

the way i look at it,

we have and made known,

if lucky,

several soulmates in our lives.

placed for different purposes.

some as friends,

some as lovers,

some as partners.

all of them in which,

we were inevitably,

bound to meet.

all significant,

just for different reasons.

once in a while,

met with a truly remarkable one.

one that perhaps we remember more than others,

from past lives possibly.

that briefly known but feels a lifetime.

all that dejavu,

all that intensity,

all that familiarity.

super comfotable,

but damn confusing.

the question being,

what will it be?

it is crucial to not misconstrue,

nor brought too much by the humanly feelings.

to wisely decide.

the never-ending riddle.

the friend by the least.

will forever I love.

bang bang!

they say:

"the right one will come catching,

when you stop chasing the wrong ones"

well then,

i made a huge mistake here.

what if the right one had already come,

while i was holding on to the wrong one?

this is just......oh so mad.

so frustrating,

to know that i had been cold.

to know that i had taken for-granted.

to know that i had been reckless.

to know that i might have missed it all.

i felt it,

i feel it even more so.

it is such a refreshing comfort,

that we might as well had known for life.

what have i done.

subtle yet direct.

powerful yet fragile.

arrogant yet kind.

witty yet gentle.

confident yet insecure.

in and out,

i found myself loving the freshness.

i found myself loving the conversation.

i found myself loving the touch.

and i found myself waiting.

bang bang! 

now i know i'm in real trouble.

struck.

see,

sometimes we get struck by lightning.

just like that,

knocked down flat.

beyond our control.

enough with a stare,

struck.

enough with a smile,

struck.

i went oblivious.

the stare,

though brief but real.

the smile,

though brief but real.

impossible to get over.

what's impossible?

in this case then,

everything. 

the good kind,

the bad kind.

the sum of my every being.

the sum of my every conscience.

the sum of my every wisdom.

the sum of my every control.

gathering them inch by inch.

if only,

just if only,

you would have been here.
i wanted to find that something,
but won't let you have it all.

perhaps i really don't believe in you.

home, town, & life.

On board a plane,
Barcelona to Paris.
I just read the inflight magazine;
One of the pages says:
'You need to change home, change town and change life...'

It then struck me:
Hey there are loads of other people,
Yearning for an escape.
With different circumstances,
But with the same wish.

This trip,
I have been pensive about it.
Trying to plan a difference,
For when I get back home.
It is not easy.

Had to be done.
To be awaken again,
To be energized again,
To be free again.
Once I was very but no longer.

A little big change,
Is all I need.

sublime.

it has been truly annoying,

how i am irritated even on holidays.

people closest to me,

worrying of me,

it is really not as nice as it sounds.

i get that it is out of care,

but they need to let go just a bit.

it even wasn't this intense,

when i was little.

man i have been doing this all my life.

i love being by myself,

not having to compromise anything. 

i can decide to stay in at the hotel and sleep,

or to be a tourist the whole day tirelessly.

nobody's going to say a damn thing.

their saying that it is 'more dangerous you're alone':

well all i can say that it is my risk to take.

who's to say that even one travels with a bunch,

it shall be all safe?

really i've seen more dramas when traveling with others.

by myself,

it is quiet,

fulfilling,

refreshing,

exhilarating!

just like now,

i will go to the aquarium to see fishes,

but im taking it slow sipping my coffee,

listening to a classical,

and writing.

nobody is talking to me,

nobody is rushing me.

just sublime. 

RIP.

Though we weren’t too close,

you were one of the best person I’ve met.

With such positive energy, 

a good heart and spark in you.

A natural blessing to the people around you.

Were always inspiring.

In the days in your life,

perhaps you didn’t know.

You’ve saved people,

gave hope to all around you.

That the world is not all bad.

But you didn’t save yourself.

A friend I briefly went to school with has just taken her own life recently. She was one naturally happy and positive person. The one who encouraged and giving all the right advices. To find the light in every darks. That kind of person who even for a brief moment knowing, will always be remembered fondly.

If we would take just a moment,

to think about where this world is heading.

It is really not going to any better direction,

people seem sadder and more depressed.

Lost little sheep do not know what to do where to go.

Us who have not seen much,

might still be excited and curious.

Us who have seen and been much,

might start to ask:

Is this it?

I usually write with a conclusion,

to try to deliver a positive message.

This time I won’t,

as I myself really can’t quite figure out.

What has this world turned into.

It is quite well visible,

take a look around.

It is that bad that it can be easily spotted,

things are not that good.

All that matters has lost its meaning.

We can just helplessly,

save ourselves,

for now.

Rest in Peace Abhijatha Umesh, you will always be remembered fondly.

Much love, and may you find your bliss now.